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(originally featured on Indie It Press)

by Mae Wagner June 9, 2021

One of the biggest economic markets today revolves around preparing for worst-case scenarios. Markets know how easy it is to capitalize off of our fears. With every purchase, we are asked if we’d like to spend a little extra for an extended warranty. In America, large portions of our income pays for health insurance. We insure our cars, homes, businesses, jewelry, pets, trips, collections– if there is an option to insure something, most people will. Furthermore, we’ll add clauses and guarantees to contracts, even where relationships are concerned.

Many of us worry about what will happen if we don’t. We hear horror stories, maybe even had one or two of our own, and we allow fear to caution us. 

Delusion of Security

As a collective, we settle cozily into this delusion of security. In financial courage, we pay premiums to ensure that things will work out. Parents encourage children to establish a reliable backup plan before they follow artistic dreams…

We over-plan events, vacations, our calendars, our ventures because a deep-festering fear tells us this is how we maintain control. Since we can’t take out an insurance policy on our schedule that same fear translates to over-planning. Willingly, we wire ourselves to this false narrative that if we do _____________, it will all be ok. 

Just like travel insurance can’t stop a disaster from happening, or health insurance itself can’t prevent a crisis, planning for worst-case scenarios doesn’t guarantee we won’t fail.

Being prepared is a good thing. It may include insurance, but being prepared also includes a safety plan. A healthy approach to fear involves facing it. As we do this, we often see that looming thing is merely the amplified voice of a small man, behind the curtain. 

Paralyzed by Failure

Ask yourself what you’re afraid of? Look beyond the reactive answers that pop up– those irrational fears we all have. If you’re being honest then it shouldn’t take long for that one horrifying word to whisper itself into your mind: failure. 

Many of us are paralyzed by the thought of failing, so much so that it is fear which often stops us from even trying. 

Why wouldn’t we be paralyzed? This enormous system we have in place manipulates us to seek coverage and protection on every little thing. We’ve been conditioned to believe that “failing” is the worst that can happen.

Make Failure a Goal

There are many professions and life paths that this avoidance of failure may be ideally suited for, but when it comes to human things such as love, community, and creativity, failure is unavoidable. 

It might be safe to argue that within a creative life, failure should be a goal.

How could we possibly learn, while painting, that we love that slightly ashen shade of green-blue if we didn’t accidentally mix the colors?

Would we find a child’s allergy, or learn of the sensitive things which may hurt a lover’s heart if we didn’t make a misstep?

We learn and grow through our mistakes. 

If actively entertained, fear of failure leads one to believe they are in control. As artists we should run in the opposite direction of control as fast as we can. In our world, a controlled environment leads to oppression, but it is within the raw sense of freedom where art lives.

Trust As We Create

As creatives, play and imagination are significant elements we rely on. To embark on those things requires a willingness to surrender certain ideas of safety– to take leaps of trust as we create.

This is how we grow and learn, find what is true for us as artists, and what may be better suited for someone else’s journey. By the world’s standard, we may “fail” a lot, but that’s part of the false narrative limiting us. For painters, photographers, performers, storytellers, and dream chasers the misrepresented idea of failure is merely research.

For painters, photographers, performers, storytellers, and dream chasers the misrepresented idea of failure is merely research.MAE WAGNER

Our growth and the strengthening of our craft rely on our willingness to try new approaches and unfamiliar territory. Being “bad” at something simply illustrates an act of courage to try– a growth in the artist’s pursuit of something original. 

Intuitively Listen

Find willingness to try something new and then listen intuitively to whether that venture is a fit, or not. In doing this, we will get frustrated sometimes. We will fall, and learn to get back up and keep going. This is how we grow creatively.

Worst case scenario, we laugh about it one day and come out of the adventure with a great story. 

(Microfiction contest winner on IndieIt Press)

by Mae Wagner June 29, 2021

The waiter sat their drinks down in front of them, attempting to slice the tension with a chuckle and an “oops!” as a splash of her cocktail escaped the glass.

It did not work. 

As the waiter walked away, it was the husband’s eyes who attempted to cross that chasm mistakenly labeled a table for two. He wanted to reach for her hand, but they were folded in her lap. As he watched this life-worn woman who seemed a million miles from him, he became overwhelmed by all that hung between them… 

Stark white, blinding hospital rooms in place of lavish vacations; blood-soaked sheets followed by ambulance rides and wordless grief as sisters and friends gave birth to healthy babies while the two of them shattered upon the floor again and again.

They’d attempt to piece their relationship back together, but each time the glue became less reliable and the cracks wider. 

He couldn’t reach her anymore, even reaching across the table would not change that. 

~

The heat within her was sweltering, and she hadn’t even brought the cocktail to her lips yet.

She could feel his gaze searing into her. 

Why was he just staring at her like that? 

She couldn’t bring herself to look back at him, instead, her gaze was burning a hole in the tablecloth connecting them. It was fear that kept her frozen, and she knew this.  She was terrified of no longer having this man fill the space across from her– she didn’t know how to lose him.

Nor how to face him. She didn’t want to look at him, because she hated the sight of his face– the sound of his voice… him. 

She allowed her mind to drift to the stalactites hanging between them, cloaked in invisibility to the rest of the world, while visible and growing to her… 

So many times, he’d left her broken, because work had called. 

Work.

Work named Sheila, and that was just this time. Had there been others?

Kisses and indiscretions made up these earthen spikes threatening to destroy her.

How many kisses had there been? 

How many women? 

He’d lied to her so many times, she knew to ask would only frustrate them both.

The waiter returned, smiling far too widely as he placed their meals on the table. First, her roasted chicken, followed by his veal parmigiana. She knew she could not give this man the satisfaction of watching her enjoy her dinner, though it did smell divine. 

Her stomach begged for her to reconsider, but she sat firm. A fleeting thought questioned whether she was successfully punishing him, or only hurting herself.

She lifted her gaze to him, hoping he’d be lost in his food, too distracted to notice.

~

He wasn’t even sure what he wanted.

Some minutes allowed him to think about his wife and who she used to be– who they both used to be, before. He couldn’t deny the other minutes though, which left him longing for the ease of a life with Sheila. 

I wish she would just look at me. See me. Please, look up. 

As her gaze rose, connecting with his, a jolt shot through him. In flashes, like a fragmented slideshow of deep shadow and white light, he saw it all– the candles and kisses, the wedding cake, the honeymoon sex, their laughter, the blood on her fingers as she screamed she’d lost the babies… the fights, the way her personhood eroded more and more with each loss, and how he felt himself stepping farther and farther away. He knew he had hurt her, and he couldn’t do that anymore. 

“I love her.” Did he mean Sheila, or had he accidentally spoken out loud as he’d thought about his wife? He wasn’t sure. 

Could both be true? Was he running? 

Why is it so hot in here? He could feel sweat pooling at his collar. 

“Ok.” It was the absence of emotion, the complete lack of change in the pools of her eyes which decided it for him. 

He would divorce his wife and go to Sheila.

As he shifted in his chair, his napkin fell to the floor. 

(originally featured on IndieIt Press)

by Mae Wagner September 19, 2021

Most of us accept that good parents and teachers instill into children that they can be anything they set their mind to when they grow up. Little kids will answer when prompted, that they plan to be astronauts, artists, rock stars, or some other fantastical idea of dreams realized.

Somewhere between those passionate declarations and the appropriate time to take steps towards chasing the dream, something changes.

The Truth

The truth usually resides somewhere between the chapters of our growth as we realize disappointment and failure. Often those same guiding and supportive adults become the voices of reason who urge us to consider adult realities such as health insurance and debt. Many times, we wake up one day and, deflated, may either find ourselves bobbing along listless or headstrong for the presumed form of a more secure success.

Lost Childhood Dreams

More and more, adults in their thirties and forties are acknowledging the grief they feel from giving up those early childhood dreams. The complications become even trickier when our inner realist points out how much harder aspects of adulthood ended up being.

The very gray realization that those dreams couldn’t have worked anyhow.

When I was a child my mother criticized the way I’d colored in a coloring book. Her words were cruel, which isn’t the point. The point is that before that moment I don’t remember how I felt about coloring. After that moment though, I remember not usually wanting to do it, while internally wishing that I could be a painter, a sketcher, a woman who grew to draw beautiful art. Decades later, I can still barely manage a stick figure and that internal whisper of a dream to bring visually beautiful things to fruition has not dimmed.

Could I have pursued it? Sure.

Did I? Very half-heartedly.

Seeds Planted, Yet We Water Them

Before my hand would even pick up the brush or pencil my mind had accepted that I was not capable of this task. The minimal effort I poured into learning was a testament to my internal belief that I was not qualified, so why try? Why invest myself in something I had no business doing and risk the failure hurting me? So, I didn’t.

We could analyze the trauma of a less than great motherly moment. In this instance, it is obvious that her reaction planted seeds that sprouted deep inside of little-girl-me.

It is so comfortable to follow trails to the culprits at blame, isn’t it? It is a little bit less so when we realize that though they planted the seeds, we are most often the ones found holding the watering can.

It feels safe and comfy to water those plants of self-limiting beliefs. We lie to ourselves, as they grow, about how much better this side of the rejection and the heartache truly is. We shutter our windows, and brick lay our walls… We whisper that those dreams of space, stage, or paint were not meant for us, and instead, we settle down with knitted throws and Netflix–safe, comfortable, and warm.

Playing It Safe

Some of us have emerged from some truly horrible events, events that shaped us into cautious and wounded people. I am sorry if this is you. A little bit, at the very least, I speculate this is all of us. The difference between the soul living in Paris painting her dreams into reality, and the rest of us is that we believed the lies that pruned our dreams before they had a chance to thrive.

A well-manicured garden may be glossy-magazine spread worthy. With the envy of garden owners around the globe, few people will see the amount of money, stress, time, and environmental costs associated with the behind-the-scenes truth. This is the image of those of us who chose the safe, self-limiting path–the 9-5 job, the health insurance, and 401k.

Remember Why – Where Magic Lives – The WILD

What of the denied whisper that is still there, beneath the evenings spent on our couches and the days spent in our offices? It is begging us to remember not only the dream we had but the why.

It was never about the dream to be the thing, but instead about the wildness to believe we could. It is in the wild, unkempt garden of flowers and vines where the magic of possibility lives. Perhaps our dreams of space exploration or musical theater weren’t meant to be… this does not mean we do not belong among the stars or center stage.

There is no quick or easy way to rid ourselves of self-limiting beliefs, we simply have to stop watering them and embrace our wild.

(originally featured on IndieIt Press)

by Mae Wagner July 1, 2021

One of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves is to shed the layers of things which no longer serve us. Though we believe there is a comfortable security in the possessions, traditions, and habits we fill our lives with– most of us have experienced the freedom found in letting go. Whether it is old junk, clothing that no longer fits, toxic relationships, or unrealistic expectations– letting go gives us the opportunity to fill that space with healthier choices.

Crossroad Reframe

Many times, we may have sat at a crossroad and tearfully stated how we wish we would have realized we were better off without ____________ much earlier. This is a normal way to feel when facing an unavoidable loss. 

What if we could reframe the way we look at rejection, through the filter of letting go? Isn’t rejection the very gift we spend those dark moments wishing we’d had– that ability to know early on that something simply wasn’t right for us. 

Rejection Alternatives

Let’s say an agent does not like your proposal… Does their rejection sting? Of course. 

Does a one-star review of your work cut like a knife? Probably. These are normal feelings, in the moment. What if the alternative is that this rejection saved us for what could have been the worst possible agent for you, who may leave you in shambles with your career a mess, one day? 

The lack of honest (even negative) reviews could lead to an inflated ego which wouldn’t do anyone any good. It is okay to realize not everyone will like us, or our work. This is reality. There is no world where every single person adores everything we do, and even if there was, we’d hate that too. It would be dull, there would be no personal challenge and therefore no personal growth. 

Rejection cuts out the murky, messy middle. Rejection clarifies our path by showing us the things which are simply not for us. Rejection saves us the possibility of real agony down the road.MAE WAGNER, AUTHOR

Rejection cuts out the murky, messy middle. Rejection clarifies our path by showing us the things which are simply not for us. Rejection saves us the possibility of real agony down the road. Perhaps it’s uncomfortable to take this approach, but most often it’s the best things which live beyond our comfort zone.

It is the fear of rejection which holds us back more than anything else. The most uncomfortable part about this truth is that it is us who allows this fear so much power.

Healthy Rejection Perspective

Rejection is inevitable, so how can we move forward with a healthier perspective? 

1. We can realize that we are the ones who perceive the meaning. Rejection, in and of itself, is benign. It is us who assigns it a positive, negative or neutral reception. Our reaction may be deeply ingrained but we can change this. It may require more discipline, at first, but we can train ourselves to seek out the positive things attached to a particular rejection. Sometimes we have a macro-focus, too close to the situation, and finding our silver lining may feel impossible. This is when it pays to step back and remember that we are better off letting go of the things that no longer serve us.
2. Choose to be mindful that every experience we live through contains teachable elements. Learn from the rejection. Sometimes there may be advice attached to help us sharpen our craft, and sometimes the lesson will be in the affirmation that we are better off disconnected from a particular opportunity or person. It is a lot easier to find our way when our paths get cleared of unnecessary detours.
3. Believe that you and your art matter. There are people out there who need what you have to give. Any rejection only makes that coming together more possible. 

The rejection only brings us down when we hold space to allow for that. We are taught that words like rejection and failure are defeating, but the truth is that it would be impossible to succeed at anything truly great without them.